This might end up being all my Sundays……i’ll be in pain for school the next day :/
This might end up being all my Sundays……i’ll be in pain for school the next day :/
Two posts on the first day of October because it’s my birth month. ;)
I barely even started any exercise/work-out routine yet, gah!
Make Your Own Alkaline Vitamin Water
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- Recovery - This vitamin water is ideal for recovery post-workout or after a large bout of physical activity. Blackberries and Cherries aid in replenishing oxygen in the blood while pomegranate and glutamine help to restore and repair muscle tissue damage
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It simple, cheap and easy way to get your vitamins in a delicious and hydrating way.
These sound awesome
I just got outta my HS 252 class, and finally home…trying to relax…still awake, (probably from the coffee I had a couple hours ago), and unfortunately, well, maybe not so unfortunate, that I’m not as tired. I guess the reason for that being, is also due to the fact that I feel ”compelled” to blog. Usually, I would write in my journal, when I’d feel like it and/or feel compelled to. I decided to type & blog instead, because I didn’t want to neglect the purpose, as to why I created this certain blog in the first place.
Now, I’ll mostly be talking about my boyfriend on this post; usually, if it’s lovey-dovey stuff, I would post that on a separate blog, but this time, it’s mostly concerning about how my boyfriend influences & contributes to my well-being; not on anything superficial.
Yesterday, or last night [9/17/12], I had an argument & even brought up the idea of breaking up w/him. Again. Well, we never have broken up, never officially too, I just would have moments…or well, felt like breaking up w/him maybe 2-3 times now, and it’s only been a year & 3 months since we’ve been together so far; it was 1.3 months yesterday, which I didn’t realize until I looked at my calendar this morning.
I was having some sort of emotional & mental breakdown, before I called him & told him that I was thinking of ending our relationship. Let’s start from the beginning though, not to the beginning of our relationship (I’ll save that for some other time), just what happened yesterday. I was feeling, maybe still am, feeling very moody, &/or more moodier than usual the past couple days, at least that I’ve noticed. Yesterday, I guess it just finally hit a breaking point; I was feeling at a ”low.” A ”low” that I was afraid of ever feeling again & never thought that I would again. A ”low” that made me think of suicidal thoughts. A feeling that, just when I’m in that moment, living & going through that moment, had made me feel desperate to do anything to make that feeling & ”low-ness” go away. It has been a good year, or more that I’ve ever felt that feeling before. All of a sudden, it just eats & tears at me. I always knew that I have a ”darkness,” I know everyone does, and the definition of it, really depends on the individual, and either way, it’s negative & a downer & just causes a chain-reaction/ down-hill spiral.
That’s what happened to me yesterday.
Like I said, I was feeling moody -I’m happy, then all of a sudden, mad, sad. I’m not even on my period, seriously. I have a theory though, but it could just be me being paranoid -that it could be the BCP (birth control pills) that I started using for the first time, ever, this month; I’m thinking that it might be affecting my hormones…within the context of other underlying reasons too, now that I think about it.
When I went home, after spending some ”quality” time, or what should’ve been quality time, if it wasn’t for my mood-swings, with him, I was just sad. Sad & felt bad for how I’ve been acting. Sad for feeling that way; I was worried & felt insecure about the kind of person I am, becoming & what kind of girlfriend I am too.
After sobbing & thinking negative thoughts & trying not to be impulsive & act anything out, I decided & attempted to call someone; I went through my contacts, & a couple people’s names I paused & considered calling, but which one? Which one can I talk to, confide in, about EVERYTHING? That I can be completely honest with? That might relate to me, not judge me, yet still be rational, logical & reasonable, whereas I wouldn’t be at that point… someone who can hear me out, and listen, without shunning me, just being REAL w/me; someone that actually cares & not just doing it for the sake of what’s right & wrong, but for my sake. It’s a call for help & not help from a stranger, but someone I trust & can lean on, rely & depend at these crucial times; when I’m at a crisis.
I had thought of calling an acquaintance, who I haven’t seen for a couple years, because he’s definitely the only person that I know, who has also been at a psychiatric ward -which was where I met him. He would understand exactly how I’m feeling. Yet, I didn’t call him, I couldn’t, out of the blue, when, I guess I already knew, who I should’ve been calling all along… Next, I considered calling one of my best & close friends, someone who lives up to that rep. yet I also didn’t call him…because, even though I also know he would help me, I guess he wasn’t exactly what I needed at that time. So, I ended up calling my boyfriend, after all.
I didn’t want to at first, because I didn’t want him to worry…yeah, I know, worrying is inevitable for everyone & anyone that is, or isn’t involved; relative or subjective, idk right now. Now that I think about it, it’s a habit -I pretty much tell my boyfriend everything, anyways. Not because of some obligation, or if I’m being controlled, or forced to, but because……I know I can & feel comfortable in doing so. It’s that kind of relationship. We talk to each other EVERYDAY, in some form, we would convey how we are, how we feel. It’s so, amazing. I remember having a conversation w/one of my cousins, that I mentioned how my boyfriend & I would txt &/or call each other everyday. She commented on that, saying how she would find that annoying & unbelievable. Haha, I guess, maybe, it’s safe to say, or assume, that she’s never had that kind of relationship, where she can speak freely, her thoughts, opinions, everything, to a certain special someone &/or significant other, at least not yet, hehe.
My boyfriend. He’s………he’s a…blessing. I never thought I would find someone like him, I’ve only ever dreamed about finding someone who would accept & adore everything, that makes me who I am today.
My emotional & physical scars. My emotional/internal handicaps. I can be myself around him & not be ashamed of it. I talk to him about my past, present & thoughts on my future & even our future, and/or our future together, if anything. He’s the only person, who has given me unconditional positive regard, a term that I learned from another HS (human services) class. At least, the only person who gives me that, knowing everything/all sides of me -the ”ugliness,” insecurities, fears, worries, everything. Whereas, I do have one other friend, who gives me that too, but kind of sadly, even though she’s a best friend of mine, I’m not able to tell her completely, everything. The first person who has ever shown me this UPR, is the therapist I had. I sometimes think, even now, that it was her job to provide that UPR, but honestly, I mostly like to think & believe that she was actually being sincere about it, especially considering how she treated me from all the sessions we had -like an equal & a real person. She was my guide, and she still kinda is, ‘cause the thought of her, always inspires & motivates me~
Ugh, now I’m getting tired & a bit sleepy….
Anyways, I managed to tell my boyfriend, confess to him, my problems. I told him how I felt, really bad for being a downer lately, that I haven’t been my usual, perky, optimistic & enthusiastic self, that it’s worrying me. How I’m worried about myself psychologically, emotionally & how it might ruin &/or affect our relationship. I don’t want to be unstable in this relationship. I really thought that I was better, and, I gotta say, I still need to continue giving myself more credit, for still being here today & trying to follow my dreams, and by golly, it’s harder than it sounds, but it’s a passion… ya know…to know that I’m not feeling empty &/or indifferent anymore. That these dreams & goals make my blood boil & reminds me, each time, why I’m still alive. Not just for my sake, but for the people I love & those who love me too.
I admit though, that when you’re in that moment, that crisis, whatever it is, the extent & whatnot, really, all that doesn’t really matter; we disregard that/get into deep shit. Yeah, it’s pretty selfish, but, you can’t just live life, to solely just make others happy. It’s about making yourself happy too, so that it’s not just ”going through the motions.” If it’s anything other than truly making yourself happy/finding & working on a balance/stabilization/solid ground, then you’re just setting yourself up for crisis after crisis, until, you no longer exist. You give up, &/or ”can’t help it.” I’ve been there. Like yesterday. It was a breaking point, a red flag, but fortunately, not a crisis, at least not as bad as I’ve had before. I’ve managed, thankfully, to cope in a better & healthier way, which took me years to develop & learn.
I use to self-injure, mostly cut myself. It’s been maybe, almost 4-5 years, since the last time I have ever picked up a razor &/or hurt myself physically, in any way. Yesterday… I would have broken that record. That feeling of cutting, bleeding, gives a ”high,” -dopamine; it would make me feel numb, ”better” than the emotional pain… physical pain seemed better.
*Please don’t ever resort to this; go ask & look for help; all those years that I’ve done this, I never knew how to ask for help, or even knew I could get help. I thought I was ugly from the inside-out & that people would judge me if they ever found out. Please talk to someone, don’t bottle this up. To be honest, back then, I had no idea, never thought of the possibility that I would & could get better, feel better, about myself. It’s possible, if I can, you can, who says you shouldn’t, or wouldn’t? Yourself? Anyone else? Don’t listen to negative comments, even the ones coming from yourself. Have hope. Find &/or remember your reason(s) to live, if it helps. Be aware & recognize that you have a problem & you need help/guidance, if you want to keep living, if you want to get better, if you don’t like what you’re doing to yourself, if you can’t see yourself/no longer want to hurt yourself for the rest of your life. You can do it! I know you can! I’m rooting & cheering for you, every small step of the way, okay! I believe in you, when/if you & no one else does. I just wish I had this kind of support &/or encouragement, a long time ago -it would have made a difference. So, I hope this helps, I hope you’ll be okay & be alive to see your dreams come true, ‘cause all that pain will be worth it, when you can finally be happy/find your happiness…what will truly make you happy? Be honest w/yourself, ‘cause you don’t need any lies, heck, almost everything starts w/misunderstandings. What do you like to do? Pursue it. Reading, writing, music, anything that can help heal you, in any way, not hurt you. Believe in yourself, ‘cause deep down, you need you & you need to trust yourself. It’s your life. Your heart. Your dreams. Your thoughts/mentality/perception. You’re anything you want yourself to be. You’re important. You make a difference. Especially, if you make a difference w/yourself; you have the power to do so -it’s called will & determination, to achieve anything you set your mind to. Believe it. You know you want to:
“Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possibility into flames of achievement.”
~ Golda Meir
I was feeling a familiar ”low” yesterday, the kind where a therapist/counselor would ask ya a scale from either 1-10, 1-100, or 1-5, how you’re feeling….(which every individual’s perception of it is diff. for example, my 8, might be your 5 or 6.)
The kind of ”low” that I’m talking about, is when I start to have suicidal thoughts, or self-injury thoughts, to make the pain &/or whatever that I’m feeling at the time, to go away. Fortunately, w/experience, I knew where this might lead to, & before worse comes to worse, I had to call someone, ‘cause in my mind, I was starting to go down a staircase that would lead to an empty, vast & pitch-black darkness, I’ve already opened the door & somehow whispers/negative thoughts, feelings were trying to entice me, tempt me into a ”psychological relapse,” I think. Despite wanting this horrible, dreadful, miserable & agonizing feeling to go away, how giving in & succumbing to it, would be easier… still, another part of me (thank you!), had hope, believed in me; a barely audible scream/maybe my conscience -I finally, listened &/or tuned in to: told me to keep fighting/being strong. That giving in is a weakness, a set-back, that I could fight it & overcome this, that I know better, therefore, can do better. That part of me didn’t want anymore emotional & physical scars. It told me, reminded me, that I’ve been healing, that I’ve been happy. That giving in, would harm the better part of me, that it would make me unhappy & create a chain of events that I didn’t want to go through again. It reminded me of all the other people I know, who use to, or still self-injures, to give hope & set a good example, that it’s possible to overcome this. Whatever else that part of me/my conscience sparked in me, I hung on to. Somehow!
I owe a lot this time, to my boyfriend because of it. He listened to everything I had to say, even though it hurt him too. I told him how he deserves better, that he should be w/someone who didn’t have this past, or problems. That I was worried for myself too, that I wanted myself to get better, if anything, that I thought we should break up, thinking it might make things easier for the both of us. I told him how I didn’t like what I’ve been feeling, how my emotions are becoming negative & didn’t want to be around him, worried that I’d say, or do something mean…push him away… though, I never really, from the bottom of my heart, want for us to end, & break up, no. Even though I was worried about us, about me….me & my insecurities….. I know that I still love him, even if an ugly part of me wants to throw it all away, just ‘cause that part of me wants to twist/distort & justify my reasons for doing so. So, I also mentioned that we could take a break, that I probably need space & time to deal & cope w/whatever that I’m going through, but I realize now, that that in itself, was risky & a gamble. Going through it alone…
I’m so glad we talked it out, right then & there, instead of waiting & creating a distance between us. I told him that our love is dangerous, because we’ve grown so attached to each other, (that in a conversation we had talked about a few weeks earlier, how if anything were to happen to him, that I would feel…that a huge chunk of my soul, heart & being had also died along w/him, that I wouldn’t think I’d continue on without him, even though, idealistically, I’d hope I would move on, heal, or do something great like I planned to do, even more so, but, I think, that’s bullshit. He even agreed & felt the same way; for some effing reason, he wouldn’t want to live without me either…even if I would want him to live on, for the both of us… but…… it’s just so heart-breaking enough as it is) that’s why it’s dangerous. That’s why we have to keep each other in check, for our own & both our sakes.
He won’t give up on me, no matter how much I would push him away, no matter how much I’ve hurt him, put him through. He, just loves me so much…it’s overwhelming……it also makes my blood boil. He gives me reason to live. He gives & brings me hope. He’s been my hope. He motivates me, he encourages me…he believes in me when I don’t believe in myself, he loves me, when I sometimes lack it; he reassures me. Yeah, I kind of sound like a mess, but… it’s the bigger picture here. I’ve never had these emotional support from my parents. My beloved -I love that word… ”be loved”/my boyfriend, has been giving me everything I’ve never thought I would have, and I can’t believe what an idiot I am, to ever think about breaking up w/him. He needs & loves me as much as I love & need him too. If I really do care about his well-being, then I shouldn’t give up on us, and I shouldn’t give up on myself.
He told me, confirmed w/me, that he’s willing to go through everything w/me. Everything. No secrets, like it has been. No bullshit, just honesty, like it has been. He’s still willing to deal w/me….
To be with me.
I can’t believe he still wants to put up w/me….all the ”ugliness,” everything.
I think I told him that he was crazy. He said that I can drive him crazy sometimes.
I told him how I can’t believe, how he really thinks I’m really that worth it.
He’s a keeper.
We went from arguing, from me saying depressing, sad, hurtful things, to us re-confirming our feelings for each other. He somehow, always makes me feel better.
I’m going to cherish him more & keep working things out, no matter how hard it gets, because, I won’t be able to find anyone else like him, who can love me so much, that I can be so passionate with, madly in love with. He’s my one & only true love. I can & will say that, because I only have one life & realistically, he’s always been there for me, even when he brings out the ugly, or worse in me. He still makes me feel beautiful & when he says sweet things, I believe him -I know he really means it. I can count on him. He makes me feel like a goddess… he also treats me like an equal. We’re soul-mates, we’re bound. He shares my world & I share his. We’re sharing our life together right now; he’s a part of mine & mine his. You get the point.
~He reminds me of the reason why I decided to give him & us a chance in the first place, why I started to fall in love w/him. He reminds me of the good in me too.
”Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice;
it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.”
- William Jennings Bryan
We keep each other going.
I don’t need anything materialistic, nothing vain.
I want him. I just need him. His existence, his influence, his being, his love.
He fuels me. His spirit. His kindness, acceptance, adoration.
He respects & loves me for who I am.
His emotional & moral support, helps keep me sane; balanced; my anchor.
We’ve earned each other. We deserve each other. We’re living & going through life together, right now. Together. I like that. I love how that sounds. Realistically, I don’t know how long we’ll be together, but, I know we’re going to make the best of it, ‘cause either way, neither of us will regret trying & starting this in the first place.
Life, has always been cruel, but, my boyfriend & both our wills combined, is, irrevocably beautiful. That, in itself, I think, is a complete miracle, what we have. That says something, ‘cause I also can’t believe that I’m still alive, but here I am, I’m glad that I’ve never succeeded in taking my own life, ‘cause I wouldn’t have been able to experience what I believe, this past year, makes up for all the years of grief, loneliness, abuse & pain that I’ve been through. He’s irreplaceable. One of a kind.
Already, a dream that has come true, that is currently my reality. His love for me, and my love for him, helps heal my soul. I will no longer think to forsake that, ‘cause if I do, then I would have already forsaken myself too.
Mahal kita, Amos Caliboso;
Ganbatte/fighting~ to the both of us, no matter what <3
”Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely, and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your own nonsense.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson
[started @ 9/18 & fin. at 2:44a; 9/19]
”There can be no happiness if the things we believe in are different from the things we do.” - Freya Madeline Stark